@ALBUM: Metaphysical Graffiti Artist: The Dead Milkmen 1990 Enigma Records All selections by The Dead Milkmen ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Beige Sunshine Cheese is the one thing that's indestructible How much is your Blue Cross deductible? Open your eyes to a wicked surprise You'll lose your mind if you just step inside They say even Bambi was corruptible The flu's coming, yes are you susceptible? If only traces of lead were detectable Open your brain to a new kind of pain Just step inside and we'll all go insane Please put your thoughts inside a receptacle You are not one of us Your pipes are leaking You are an ocelot What are you seeking? Baboons they say are quite understanding Ships without rudders aren't worth commanding Open your skull to a world that is dull You'll find it all when you shop at the mall People like you are not worth reprimanding I think you need some help I think you're way off course Maybe you need a little breather You should get down off your horse Look up into the sky Try to catch your racing thoughts Before they burn up in the sun Take a walk Sit in your walking chair and breath... Welcome to your head You're tripping on Wonder Bread Peer into the edge of time See the endless light Realize there is no time There is only light Feel the heat of the moment Feel the heat of the now Feel the heat of the beige sunshine In the back of your mind, and breathe.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Do the Brown Nose Good evening ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to PJ's Astrological Love Lounge. We are Lester Shy and the Shyphonics. My name is Lester Shy, and these fine gentlemen all around me - why they're The Shyphonics. And we hail PROUDLY from Fargo, North Dakota. Now, way down south in Fargo, whenever we needs a little something extra we like to do a little thing called the Brown Nose. And we'd like all you fine ladies and gentlemen here tonight to help us out doin' the Brown Nose. So whenever I shout 'What you gonna do?' you gonna shout back 'Gonna Brown Nose! Gonna Brown Nose!' Think you can handle that? I'm pretty sure you can. Let's give it a try. What you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose, gonna brown nose!) Oh ladies and gentlemen you should all be rounded up and shot. That was terrible. What you gonna do?!?! (gonna brown nose, gonna brown nose.) Yes! YES! That's so much better. You have my permission to go out and reproduce. You're lovely human beings. So now we're gonna do a little Brown Nosin' for you. Are you excited? Are you ready? Ok, then, here we go.... If you want that job what ya gonna do? (gonna brown nose gonna brown nose) Here comes your rich Uncle Bob... I say now what you gonna do? (gonna brown nose gonna brown nose) If you get stopped by the man... I say now what you gonna do? (gonna brown nose gonna brown nose) Record company wants to sign your band... I say now what you gonna do? (gonna brown nose gonna brown nose) MERCY! I jump back, kiss myself a few hundred times. Alright, now I know that many of you fine ladies and gentlemen are beginning to ask yourselves 'Oooh, but Mr. Shy and the Shyphonics how do you do this wild new thing you call the Brown Nose?' Well take a second. Prepare yourself mentally and physically. We'll show you how to Brown Nose. Bend your knees Move your head like this Pucker them lips Give dat Butt a kiss Kiss my.... Asking for some green... I say now what you gonna do? (gonna brown nose gonna brown nose) Boss is really mean... I say now what you gonna do? (gonna brown nose gonna brown nose) You wanna impress ya girlfriend's father... I say now what you gonna do? (gonna brown nose gonna brown nose) You owe some money to yo brother... I say now what you gonna do? (gonna brown nose gonna brown nose) You, yes YOU! Here's a dime, run out and call the PMRC! GONNA BROWN NOSE! I wanna see every last one of you Brown Nosin'. Even you tuna-lips. Alright, if you can dig it, I wanna hear you shout 'Erlenmeyer Flask!' (erlenmeyer flask!) Alright, I know loved it the first time, you're gonna love it even more the second time. And once more you better get down and so some serious Brown Nosin'! Bend your knees Move your head like this Pucker them lips Give dat butt a kiss Kiss my.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @INTER-SONG BIT 1 Hey there's a big airplane going going by! Get it! Go, go! Leave it! Get it on the track! Get it! Get it! Catch it! I got it! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Methodist Coloring Book You've got a Methodist Coloring Book and you color really well But don't color outside the lines or God will send you to Hell 'Cause God hates war and God hates crime But He really hates people who color outside the lines You've got a Methodist Coloring Book don't color outside the lines 'Cause if God doesn't strike you with lightning He'll atleast make you go blind Good people get sent to the attic Bad people will roast in the cellar But there's a special kind of Hell For those who just won't learn to color God is gracious, God is good Let us color in his book God wears cotton, God wears rayon He can mend a broken crayon God is honest, He don't take payola Let's all thank him for our Crayolas You've got a Methodist Coloring Book... You've got a Methodist Coloring Book and you color really well But don't color outside the lines or God will send you to Hell ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @INTER-SONG BIT 2 Now you talk about that Bohiguss boy. You know him, Billy Bohiguss? They found him last week out behind the barn with his math teacher, his scout leader, and the local minister. And that boy had the nerve to say it was part of a biology project. We killed him. Had no other choice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Part 3 I saw you naked and you were chasing a pig So I led the police to your house and showed 'em where to dig You thought you could live in peace But I saw you naked and I called the Police I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did I saw you naked and you know it made me sick I saw you naked you were camping with scouts I know they earned some merit badges when the lights went out How could you touch those children? I say you naked and you were holding a trout! I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did I saw you naked and you know it made me sick Don't you kids try this solo at home. That man is a trained professional I saw you naked, you were up in a tree Were you gonna jump on the paperboy? I had to wait and see What are you afraid of? Squirrels or poison ivy? I saw you naked, you were singing 'Born Free' ... 'Born Free' I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did I saw you naked and you know it made me sick ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: I Tripped Over the Ottoman They call me Robert Petry and I live in New Rochelle With my wife Laura and son Richie But now my life's a living HELL 'Cause I tripped over the ottoman one too many times I tripped over the ottoman until I lost my miiiiind I was head writer for Alan Brady Maybe you've seen his show It's not very funny and it makes my ears bleed This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas Our special guest star is Death! Once I laughed at Buddy's jokes But now my life's a living HELL 'Cause I tripped over the ottoman one too many times I tripped over the ottoman until I lost my miiiiind 'Cause Morey Amsterdam can make a sane man crazy Morey Amsterdam can make a nice guy kill Morey Amsterdam can make a sane man crazy Morey Amsterdam can make a nice guy kill And I tripped over the ottoman one too many times I tripped over the ottoman until I lost my miiiiind What did you bring me daddy? What did you bring me daddy? What did you bring me daddy? Well, I brought you Death! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @INTER-SONG BIT 3 Take it Boys. Yeah, my sister's really moving up in the world. She dates a full-blown professor. Goes by the name of Professor Griff. He's a great guy. A good ol' boy. That wild old Professor Griff. I think he's a history professor. The other day he told me the wildest story about the history of jewelry. Anyway, come nightfall we all love to sit on the porch. And Sis plays the banjo, I play the jug, and Professor Griff breaks out his Jew's harp and just flails away. God, I love that guy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: The Big Sleazy It's a long way to Anchorage But that's where I'll go with you We'll travel so far, dear To escape that Morning Zoo I hate MMR I hate YSP I do not like Grateful Dead So just don't talk to me I said I hate MMR and I hate YSP You know that classic rock Does not interest me People are getting angry Maybe just they should Cause some of us can still remember Back when XPN was good I hate what they done to XPN Those folk nazis ruined my favorite station I hate what they done to XPN If you hear it now it's just a pale imitation Well it's brunch with the Beatles A tribute to Billy Joel Four hours of Doobie Brothers And they call that rock and roll It's a long way to Anchorage But that's where I'll go with you We'll travel so far, dear To escape that Morning Zoo 'Cause I hate MMR I can't stand YSP I do not like Grateful Dead You best stay away from me I said I loathe MMR and I despise YSP Well friends, there ain't no radio Here in our city Ok, we've got a call on the request line, and who am I speaking to? Yes, my name's Bill Junior. And what do you do Bill Junior? I cut all the jewels at the head shop. And what can I play for you? How 'bout a block of The Boss, dude? Sorry, just played a block of The Boss for the guys at the sandal store. Uh, yeah, well, ow 'bout a block of Fleetwood Mac? Oh, just played a block of Fleetwood Mac for the guys at the granola factory. Oh no. But I tell you what, how 'bout if I send you a $20,000 gift certificate for Bob and Jerry's World of Wicker? Hey man! Wicker! Dude! Thanks a lot! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: If You Love Somebody Set Them on Fire You know that it would be untrue You know that I would be a liar If I were to say to you I didn't set your house on fire But it's just the way I am You'll have to take it for a fact Life can really burn you up When you're a pyromaniac If you love somebody better set them on fire I went to your house last night Your dad called me the human torch Got a little pissed at him So I burned down your front porch Now I feel a little bad About pouring gas on your dad But you know it's hard to quit And besides he started it I just bought a brand new lighter And I cannot wait to use it With a can of kerosene it's lots of fun You can't refuse it Oily rags are special things You know to me they're diamond rings Maybe we can have some fun Maybe we can burn someone If you love somebody better set them on fire If you love somebody why not set them on fire You know that it would be untrue You know that I would be a liar If I were to say to you I didn't set your dad on fire If you love somebody better set them on fire If you love somebody why not set them on fire If you love somebody better set them on fire If you love somebody why not set them on fire ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Dollar Signs in Her Eyes She's tripping over the flowers in her garden The weeds are growing high She dropped her laundry off at school And hung her children on the clothesline to dry She's throwing trash in her swimming pool She's pouring chlorine on her lawn You might think she needs a pair of glasses But, no, my friend you're wrong She cannot see the beauty in a tree Or in the life that it supplies This should not strike you as a mystery For she has dollar signs in her eyes She has dollar signs in her eyes She has dollar signs in her eyes Dollar signs in her eyes She's crashing her car in an intersection She did not see the light She's walking round and round in a shopping mall As if she had no sight Dreams are only clouds That form and dissipate The sky is a highway for metal birds And land is real estate She does not understand her world depends Upon a history of lies She walks right by all her old high school friends For she has dollar signs in her eyes She has dollar signs in her eyes She has dollar signs in her eyes Dollar signs in her eyes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: In Praise of Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na were the kings of Woodstock You know it's true deep in your heart Greasy guys in gold lamae If only Hendrix had been so smart Pete Townshend wouldn't be so deaf If he had followed Sha Na Na's advice And played some fifties do-wop songs That even your mom would think are nice Keith and Janis went away But Sha Na Na are here to stay I don't care 'bout Joan Baez But Sha Na Na can wear my fez Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na were the kinds of the sixties Deep in your hear you know it's true All those lids at Berkeley dressed like Bowser They didn't like the Stones or the Who Sha Na Na didn't need flower power They didn't drive a yellow submarine But they were the ones who called the shots Yeah, Sha Na Na really made the scene Keith and Janis went away But Sha Na Na are here to stay I don't care 'bout Joan Baez But Sha Na Na can wear my fez Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na ... shot Kennedy ... stabbed that guy at Altamont ... started the Peace Corps ... were the first astronauts ... joined the Black Panthers ... led student sit-ins ... grew organic food ... just never fit in You can move to Montanta and listen to Santana But you will won't be as cool as Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Epic Tales of Adventure There's an old lady who washes her clothes In the same laundromat as me She told me of her son And some shoes that hurt his feet Mean little nails rose up in a bunch and plunged into his soles Filling his dirty socks with tiny bloody holes It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world There's an old man who says that he came From the same town as my dad He told me of his house and why it smelled so bad Small furry creatures had crawled in the spaces In between the walls They died and they decayed And I guess that's really all It's small furry creatures and the end of the world It's small furry creatures and the end of the world It's small furry creatures and the end of the world There was a man who told me a story about a conspiracy He told me how it started And what it meant to me Doctors and lawyers and bankers and priests Are controlled by UFOs It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the world It's doctors and priests and the end of the world It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the world It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the world It's doctors and priests and the end of the world It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the world There's an old lady who washes her clothes In the same laundromat as me She told me of her son And some shoes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: I Hate You, I Love You What am I gonna do When I get next to you Wanna hold you close to me But you bring me misery I hate you but I love you I hate you but I love you Let's go to see a show Where to, well I don't know Will you make up your mind? Or are you gonna waste my time? I hate you but I love you I hate you but I love you Look back to the time we met Were things better? I forget You acted different then I thought you were a friend I hate you but I love you I hate you but I love you I hate you but I love you I hate you but I love you I hate you but I love you I hate you I love you I hate you I love you Yes I do ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Now Everybody's Me Joe, shut up! Everybody hates Edie Brickell All my favorite shows are on TV All the restaurants serve my favorite food 'Cause now everybody's me Now my apartment's really crowded 'Cause I live there and I'm everybody Everybody's sleeping with my girl But, hey, everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Everybody's watching Married With Children Everybody's into beastiality The stores stopped selling Amstel light 'Cause now everybody's me Everybody loves Charles Manson Everybody wants to set him free Everybody's on the parole board 'Cause now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me I had to put an end to war It didn't make a lot of sense to shoot at myself No more Christians, Jews, Muslims or Amway salesmen Just a whole planet of TV addicts Everybody's got hairy feet Everybody follows my philosophy Everybody's got nothing to do 'Cause now everybody's me They had to lower all the basketball nets 'Cause everybody's only 5 foot 3 And everybody likes to dress like a monkey 'Cause now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me Now everybody's me ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @INTER-SONG BIT 4 Now I understand some of you don't know Sarah Jane, so I'll tell you a little bit about her. She's a lesbian Eskimo midget albino. She went to college and she started the Lesbian Eskimo Midget Albino Student Union, and 400 people signed up! There they were. Hundreds of 'em - lesbian midget left-handed Eskimo albinos. Did I mention the fact she's left handed? She's left handed alright. Girls got some strange hobbies. One of her hobbies is lowering children into open man-holes. Which is kind of difficult cause a lot of the children are taller than her, her being a midget and everything - well, her being a left-handed midget - well, her being a left-handed lesbian midget - well, her left-handed lesbian albino midget - well, her being a left-handed lesbian albino midget Eskimo. Life can be really difficult on that young lady. She bit me once, you know. Right here. You see this? Left a mark. She was lowering a friend of mine's kid into the sewer. I run up and tried to stop her. I said 'Listen there you lesbian midget left-handed albino!' And she stopped right there. And she bit me! I'm afraid I'm gonna... I'm gonna turn into a lesbian left-handed midget albino when the moon is full. Oh my God the moon is full tonight! I can feel myself shrinking. I can feel myself getting left-handed. I can feel myself getting the urge to build an igloo. I can feel my skin turning white and my eyes getting red. I can feel - I can feel the urge to buy a Suzanne Vega album! NOOOO!!! NOOOO!!!! NOOOO!!!! AUUGGGHHH!!! Oh, ok, it's just gas. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Little Man in My Head There's a little man in my head And he's drunk all of the time He sits there on a bench Holding a monkey wrench Sometimes he beats it up against my mind There's a little man in my head I don't think he likes it there I do bad things but it's his fault And he knows he can't get caught That little man he just don't play fair There's a little man in my head And he must have lived in someone else's head before 'Cause I was born in '63 And he's only been there since '74 There's a little man in my head And I don't think he understands me We've got no common ground On which to work around He gets so bored when I watch TV There's a little man in my head And I don't think that he'll ever die When he takes control he really takes his toll It's enough to make a grown man cry There's a little man in my head And I wish he'd find another home There's a little man in my head And now I'll never be alone Richard Spencer's got a little man in his head And Lou Farrakhan has got a little man in his head Frank Rizzo has got a little man in his head Squeaky Fromm has got a little man in her head Jim Jones had a little man in his head Richard Ramirez has got a little man in his head Ted Bundy had a little man in his head Dan Quayle's got a little man in his head I don't know How 'bout you Maybe you got a man in your head too There's a little man in my head And he must have lived in someone else's head before 'Cause I was born in '63 And he's only been there since '74 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @SONG: Anderson, Walkman, Buttholes, and How! (guest vocals - Gibby Haynes) We've got to get together And we've got to save the snails Let's board the purple space ships Before they set sail I want a Yes reunion And you know I want one now No more Anderson, Walkman, Butthole Surfers and How! Listening to the Opera And smoking angels' dust You can't get more fucking progressive than us... Yeah baby I wanna tell you something about love Talk to me! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ @INTER-SONG BIT 5 Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl. He lives out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl don't like it when you get his maggot farm confused with a worm farm. A worm farm is for worms, and a maggot farm is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots in the state. Three feet long. Of course, now Earl pleads this might be due to the fact that St. Smizzen's Medical Facility has been dumping their waste on his property. Interesting thing about three-foot maggots in that ... well, one day the china disappeared, and the next day the television disappeared, and a few days after that, his '57 Chevy disappeared. But there they are - the world's biggest maggots. Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standing in the kitchen - giant maggots crawling across the floor - and Earl turns to me and he says, "Did you ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs all over it?" And he gives me a look that still chills me to this day. Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl Junior. Which I think is pretty clever, since he is Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy. Ever since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up $5,000 in 976 phone bills. He called weird, unnatural numbers, like 976-PIGG with two G's, and "976-SHEEP." Which has five letters in it, I know. He's a sick boy. Earl suggested that, well, maybe I talk to him. So I went into his bedroom, and I sat him down, but before I could say a word, Earl Junior looked at me, and he said, "Did ya ever go to make a pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?" And he gave me a look that chills me to this day. Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-Sue. And Effie-Sue - she don't look so much like a little girl, as she looks like a ... a big pile of fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St. Smizzen's Medical Facility has been dumping on his maggot farm. I never had much contact with Essie, Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I don't even think that much of her to get her name right. I never had much contact with her. She just normally just sits on the couch like a little ball of fungus and just boils away. But one day, she looked at me. And that little ball of fungus opened its mouth - or what I guess was its mouth, I'd hate to think what else it could be - and out of that orifice floated the words, "Did ya ever go to make a pork sausage and find it's got hair all over it?", and then that, that little ball of fungus gave me a look that chills me to this day. Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her Wife. We don't know her name, because she's never really said that much. For the longest time, we thought she could only say two words. Which were "dog" and "pussy." We thought that meant "dog" and "cat," but then we found out that what she was really trying to say was "dog-pussy," one big hyphenated word. Which doesn't come up much in conversation, especially amongst Baptists. We never heard her say anything other than that. You know, she works down at St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery. Got a good-paying job there, although she only does say those - well that one word. And we have heard her say another thing once, but that was a long time ago. We were sitting around the house, and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs growing all over it?", and she gave me a look that chills me to this day. Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishing down in Miller's Creek. He took his wife, who could only say "dog-pussy." He took his son, Earl Junior, who took the day off from calling 976 barnyard numbers. And he took that little ball of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of his along with him. They all got in a little boat and they started fishing. Now St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery has been known to dump their stuff into Miller's Creek. All sorts of heinous stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with little things on them that say "St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery." Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed bass, which had twenty-seven eyes on it. It was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed bass. Earl looked at it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to eat!" So he took out his knife to cut it open. But that fish looked up at him, and it said, "Please, mister! Please, don't eat me!" And Earl said, "But I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a maggot farm! My wife can only say 'dog-pussy!' My daughter is a pile of fungus! My son spent all his college money calling 976 numbers! I have to eat you!" And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me! mister, please!" And he said, "I have to! I have to!" So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're gonna cut me open, let me ask you one question: Didja ever go to eat a pork sausage and find that it's got hairs growing all over it?" And then, all twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl. And they stared back at his wife who could only say "dog-pussy." And they stared back at his weird 976 animal-calling son. And they stared back at that little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter. And they gave them a look! All twenty-seven eyes gave them a look! A look that they would not forget until this very day!! Ah, man! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- All lyrics trasncribed or heavily edited by Glenn K! c 5 1 0 2 9 2 @ c c l a b s . m i s s o u r i . e d u Keeper o' the Dead Milkmen Home Page http://www.cclabs.missouri.edu/~c510292/dead.milkmen/